Gawain and the Green Knight- Breaking the Perfectionist Mold

Ok, let's be honest here- if you're in the Plan II program than you probably have some serious perfectionist issues.  Besides engineers, we're some of the few students that text each other about assignments and do extra work, even if it means getting 4 hours of sleep before a major test.  I can't speak for everyone but I know I'm almost constantly running on the feeling of desperate last-miute-have-to-do-everything type of emotion.  Certainly not the healthiest way to live but probably my most common.  It's like being the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland- though time isn't always actually running late (or even running at all), I still run frantically from thing to another.

All it takes to prove that is my behavior is the Voltaire's coffee we had not too long ago.  I came directly from one committee meeting to the coffee and had practice directly afterwards with no gap in-between.  As I waited for people to settle in their seats, I pulled out my computer to check on all the assignments I still needed to complete.  If that's not a sign of compulsive perfectionism, I don't know what is!

but the worst part is, I'm fully aware that I tend to work so hard it becomes OCD.  For the longest time, it was a source of pride that I could take on 5 clubs, be involved with a competitive team, and get all m homework done with perfect A's.  But, I must say the description of the Green Knight matches perfectly with the personification of perfectionism.

"For he is a man without measure and uses no mercy; for be it churl or chaplain that rides by the chapel, monk or mass-priest, or any man else, he likes as well to kill him as to go alive himself." (43)

Gawain bravely faces the giant green knight- perhaps a representation of his self-imposed limits of perfectionism.
http://www.curragh-labs.org/blog/?p=4018

You can play with fire (or the Green Knight's game) as long as you like but eventually you'll get burned.    I probably first started feeling the stress around AP testing my senior year.  I know that seems awful late considering my track record of over involvement.  However, I'm very good at organizing and planning everything to the very edge of what I'm able to handle.  What I didn't count on, is that sometimes life just happens.  During the AP tests, I was trying to study for the 7 I signed up for, along with working on a final project and presentation for senior english.  During that same week when I could hardly manage my full plate, my childhood companion and pet died unexpectedly.  I'm not going to go into lugubrious detail because I've blogged and cried about it plenty before but needless to say it destroyed me inside.  I kept trying to study but suddenly I could focus on anything.  I went to all my club meetings and practices but it was simple motion without any mental involvement.  It was horrible, and it made me do terrible on everything.  I didn't receive the  high scores I was hoping for from the AP tests.  My grades in my classes  dropped as I was unable to focus on anything and I heard more than one adult express concern over me.

I think the perfectionist's worst fault is thinking they can handle it all.  Thinking that no matter what, they will be perfect in everything.  But life doesn't work that way.  Just in the past year, I've had so many unexpected events that have both delighted and frustrated me.  In a perfectionists world, those would never happen because everything would function in an orderly manner with no surprises or hiccups.  And while I tend to enjoy the prestige perfectionism brings me, is it really worth the cost of losing the spontaneity of life?

"But in this case, sir, you lacked a little, and loyalty failed you.  But that was for no amorous work, nor wooing either, but because ye loved your life- the less I blame you." (48)

Can you blame a student who chooses to have a life outside of tests and quizzes?  At first I used to think such people slackers.  How could they go out friday night knowing full well they hadn't finished an important essay?  But now that I'm in college, I'm seeing so many more things I an do with my life.  It's not like high school where you're either at home or in class.  There's so many opportunities to explore new places like Zilker Park or go to events like SXSW.  How can we claim to be intelligent if we don't live a diverse life full of experiences?

Now, I am still in danger of over-planning an organizing my life.  Already my calendar looks rather full with working in a behavioral lab, reading and coding neurology papers, participating on the Taekwondo team, meeting with the plan II pre-med society, and taking 17 hours of class.  It's not all strictly academic but I still run the risk of pushing too hard when there are beautiful little things in life I should enjoy.  Still, I'm working towards losing some of my obsessiveness and taking a break every once and a while  I may not always have a perfect 4.0 but if that means giving up spending movie nights with my friends or reading for pleasure then I don't want to be the top student.  Gawain wasn't perfect but that's why we can relate to him.  I guess I need my nick on the neck every once and a while to remind me why life is so special.

Perfectionism for perfectionism's sake only leads to an inability to see the whole world and how beautiful it is.
http://www.n2growth.com/blog/the-need-for-speed/

*I read Gawain and the Green Knight online at this source:
http://www.yorku.ca/inpar/sggk_neilson.pdf