A New Direction

Dear Readers,

I know it's been a long time since I last typed out a blog on this website.  In fact, it's been over a semester.  Well I suppose when you think that I started this blog as a college writing assignment, it makes sense that I stopped writing when the class ended.  But I have come to realize in recent months that I'd like to get back into the habit of writing on this online forum.  I've missed the unique opportunities it affords me and the practice I garner from writing about topics which actually interest me- not just the usual school-required essays.

http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=&section=&q
=college+writing#/d1n4m35

So I'd like to take this opportunity brought on by winter break to re-enter the world of writing.  I want this blog to be a creative outlet which will combine my interest in neusopsychology with my everyday experiences.  I'd like to see this as a synthesis of science and the everyday world we deal with all the time.

I know this is only a rough sketch of where I want this blog to go.  I've been pondering how formulaic I want to make my entries.  Do I want to purely write from an unscripted idea?  Or should I create a schedule  where I decide to cover different aspects of the brain's biology and it's affect on how it changes our interactions with the world at large.

So if there's anyone still reading this (and I certainly hope there is), then this is my promise to you:

http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=brain&order=9&offset=72#/d2r0460

I promise to try to make these posts a weekly endeavor.  I promise to try to make science of the brain more accessible to every level of knowledge.  It is my hope that this will force me to increase my knowledge as well as my writing technique.

So stay tuned as I swing this blog into a whole new direction.  That of neuroscience and psychology and behavior and everyday problems.  I hope you stick around and enjoy the change.
Sadie

The end (?)

I, like Ximena, would like to bring up the end.  Because not only has our class now finished The Handmaid's Tale, but we are essentially finished with blogging as well.  This represents my last required post (though hopefully not the end to my blogging career).  I can't believe that less than a year ago I was totally stumped on how to write my selections for World Lit.  It took me several hours just to commit to the first post I wrote and rewrote and rewrote.  Now, I feel as if I'm simply talking to an old friend.  One who has watched me grow (and maybe mature a little bit) into a true college student.  And now, with the end of freshman year on the horizon, I can't help but feel a little intimidated once again.  In the words of Offred, "whether this is my end or new beginning I have no way of knowing: I have given myself over into the hands of strangers, because it can't be helped." (295)

Of course, in Offred's story, this future has the possibility of being much more bleak than mine.  She is either going to be freed or submitted to the eyes for god-knows-what kind of punishment.  The worst I can claim happening to me is dealing with O-chem in my near future.  But I also feel that I am experiencing an end and a beginning.  I will no longer be the naive freshman who secretly carries a map in her backpack.  I will no longer be in world lit, which has become a source of thought and reflection for me, even outside of class.  And, I will no longer be living on campus where chores like cooking and cleaning the bathroom are done for me.

It's rather hard to believe that it's only been a year and yet much in my life has ended and even more has yet to begin.  I could try listing off the future possibilities but it wouldn't do justice to reality.  But I think I can connect myself to the second part of Offred's statement as well.  I have, in a way, given myself over to strangers.  Or former strangers would be more accurate.  I came to UT knowing a small hand-full of kids from my high school.  From there, I threw myself into groups like Plan II and Texas Taekwondo and gave myself to the activities that both participate in.  I've become friends with all sorts of people and in a way, given my life over to them and this new life I have.  It's part of growing up and moving into college I suppose, and I can't wait to see where it leads me next!

Just a few of the people I've given my life and time to.
Picture thanks to Tina Tran.

But I digress.  The point of this last blog was to cover gender discrimination in The Handmaid's Tale as well as in real life.  And I must say, the commander offers a perfect example of sexist stereotyping with much of what he says and does.  For example, while at Jezebel's, he postulates that "Nature demands variety, for men.  It stands to reason, it's part of the procreational strategy.  It's Nature's plan...Women know that instinctively.  Why did they buy so many  different clothes, in the old days?  To trick the men into thinking they were several different women.  A new one each day." (237)

How the hell he got this idea, I haven't a clue.  Women do not buy clothes to put on different personalities.  They do not try to appear varied simply for the sake of a man.  It's like he read an abstract on one of Freud's papers (such as his strange theory of "penis envy") and took it as truth.  My real concern is that there are actually people who believe hookum like this.  Yes, there are polyamorous creatures in the animal kingdom but there are a surprising number of animals who mate for life.  It's not "nature's way" to be a man-slut.  That's just an excuse.  And of course, I can argue on the other side as well.  Maybe I'm old fashioned but anyone taking multiple lovers is just asking for emotional (and potentially financial) trouble.  It just ticks me off that the commander find it "natural" to sleep around. It is an ignorant and scientifically unfounded idea!

This is degrading, and honestly, pretty silly when you think about it.
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Books, books- as far as the eye can see

Although Margaret Atwood's The Handmaids Tale focuses primarily on the socially constructed layers of dystopian society of Gilead, the means by which different classes are controlled is of high interest for me.  In particular, the restrictions from reading for all women strikes me as one of the most horrible restrictions possible.  What can I say?  I'm an avid reader myself and simply the idea of such a life is terrifying in the extreme.  Just think about an average day and how often you read signs or e-mails or assignments or anything else for that matter.  Now take that all away.  Suddenly your range of knowledge can decreased to the small confines of pictographic representation.  So much is expressed in the written word and much of our collective knowledge is conveyed this way.  We read not only for pleasure but as social currency.  Just look at the world of Gilead- it doesn't function as a society but as a world of individuals (at least for the women) who must live in constant fear of the state.  They have no way to speak to each other or to relay written messages and hence become even more isolated.  In a world such as this, it's easy to understand Offred's intense emotions relating to something as simple as a pen.  "The pen between my fingers is sensuous, alive almost, I can feel its power, the power of the words it contains." (186)

An old children's game becomes a powerful symbol of control.
http://www.onlineusanews.com/scrabble-word-finder-8231.php

I'm also once again reminded of a twilight zone episode.  When something so integral to life pre-dystopia is removed, all that can be felt is longing for that which is missing.  It's not like Offred is of a generation that grew up in such a world and never learned to read.  She is a relic from the old world order and still feels the draw of its many opportunities.  And you can tell the longing she has for those days: "On these occasions I read quickly, voraciously, almost skimming, trying to get as much into my head as possible before the next long starvation." (184)

I know I keep stressing this point but I really can't imagine a world where reading is no longer allowed.  Or, where it's not allowed for women at least.  Men, in all their infinite power, are allowed this frivolities still.  I don't think Offred quite understood why forbidden the Commander's office is so forbidden until she actually entered it.  "Books and books and books, right out in plain view, no locks, no boxes.  No wonder we can't come in here." (137)  Imagine stumbling into a treasure trove of restricted items such as this.  It's like being in a candy store where you can smell the chocolate but have no money to purchase any.  I hate to be cliche but knowledge really is power.  And books are an excellent source of knowledge on all subjects.  Let's not waste the wealth of knowledge we can find in books.  I know I'm going to pick up a book right now.

Books are more than paper and ink, they represent the transference of ideas.
http://16thstreetj.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/books-pile.jpg

Defining Humanity

Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood is an amazing and appalling story of a dystopian world where women have become little more than chattel.  Having read it in high school english, I recall the discussion we had over whether such a world could really come to fruition.  There are many ways by which the novel mirrors techniques of oppression found in our world today.  Not to mention Handmaid's Tale is set in the not too distant future where their past is our current reality.  And while some of these connections can get downright spooky, I am personally of the opinion that this nation could not realistically fall into such a scenario.

Maybe this is naively optimistic of me but I don't think women could completely segregate themselves into the class system displayed in the novel.  The distinct separation between wives, handmaids, aunts, and marthas is drastic beyond belief.  Each cast seems to bear unnecessary disdain for the others.  This isn't like how UT and A&M are rivals.  They can't even seem to relate to each other on a human level. As Offred says of the commander's servants, "To them I'm a household chore, one among many." (48)  It's as if they're experiencing classism within classism.  I feel that if the world ever did become like that, the women of the varying groups would have a better support net for each other.  After all, we're biologically designed to function in a group.  I can't imagine a world really being that strictly regimented.

I don't think it's humanly possible to obey all the rules set down by Gilead.
http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=&section=&q=handmaid+tale#/d1qeuem

Also, I find it difficult to believe that interactions between men and women could be so formulaic and structured.  Neither men nor women can be completely logical when it comes to the other sex.  Although the goal of Gilead is to make women non-entites, I don't think it could logically succeed. In the description of how Offred uses butter as cream for her face, she says "we are containers, it's only the insides of our bodies that are important." (96)  But that's not entirely true.  Ok, the society of Gilead strictly enforces this ideal but think on the individual level.  Physical attraction is hard to deny, even if they try to shelter it as much as possible.  Yes, the handmaids wear a ridiculous gown and wimple to hide them but such measures would be ineffective in real life.  The way someone talks or walks or generally interacts with the world can be just as sensuous as a low cut top in such a sterile environment.

Offred gazing up at one of Gilead's punished offenders.
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=handmaid%20tale&order=9&offset=24&offset=24#/d2rjunf

I think this book is an intriguing read because of the twisted biblical references and the secretive way it alludes to how such a society could come into existence.  But in all honesty, I think we're safe from this actually ever happening in real life.

Literature within the Literature of Fun Home

This tragicomic simply provides too many interesting topics on conversation for me to follow but one that I felt I could really latch on to was the presentation of writing and literature within the comic.  Throughout the entire book, the use of parallels of famous novels and stories are used to mirror Alison's own life.  In a way, that's rather ironic considering her statement that "I didn't understand why we couldn't just read the books without forcing contorted interpretations on them." (200)

I know I've often thought along those same lines.  I don't understand why we feel the need to label everything in literature and provide some abstract explanation for why the main character chose to wear a red shirt instead of blue.  In real life, the archetypal distinctions aren't so clear.  Not everything has a hidden meaning or literary reference.  Although I suppose the myths and fables we tell are based on some true piece of history which has been contorted through the years.  Hence, is it really all that unexpected that Alison's father was killed by (possibly) his reaction to seeing a snake?

The oroboros is an ancient symbol of the continuity of life.
http://supremegod.deviantart.com/art/Ouroboros-Tattoo-136139643

"The serpent is a vexingly ambiguous archetype." (116)  How true indeed, for it as meant many things including cyclical life (oroborus), sin of eve, and according to Freud- a deep seated fear of the phallus.  So which one to we believe is true of Alison's father?  Was he just one part of the cycle that helped create her views on life and homosexuality?  Or was he paying for the sin of deceiving his family?  How about the possible representation of his own fear of his sexual tendencies?  All are interesting claims in my opinion.

But perhaps the most telling bit of literature is Alison's comment on her own writing experiences as a journalist.  "By the end of november, my earnest daily entries had given way to the implicit lie of the blank page, and weeks at a time are left unrecorded." (186)  Because in the end, we must remember that Fun Home is not just an introspective piece of fiction.  It is the (true?) telling of Alison Bechdel's childhood and the formative experiences she had with her family.  It's a story that can't be neatly tied up in a bow.  Pieces are always bound to be missing and the point of view clouds the "truth" of the situation. Though who can really call any part of life true when it's so subjective?  I think I'll have to leave off here because any further will start to get too existential for my taste.

Although an entertaining book, this is still further proof that you can read too much into anything.
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Fun(eral) Home

After reading merely the first few chapters, I'm struck with the immense volume of issues contained within the novel.  It has topics reaching from death, betrayal via affairs, homosexuality, and a distinctly facsimile replication of how a family 'should be.'

And while the plethora of topics all beg to be discussed, I find myself most drawn towards the issue of death.  (I suppose that makes me a morbid person?)  But I think the reason is many fold.  For one, being interested in the science of medicine is rather similar to the undertaker's profession.  Pre-med training requires working with a cadaver (body donated to science) so the thought of living with a parent in that vocation is intriguing to me.  Especially because of the upbringing of the author, there seems to be a disconnect from most usual emotional reactions.  "It could be argued that death is inherently absurd, and that grinning is not necessarily an appropriate response." (47)

Flamingos might seem to have a strange relation to death but it seems an obvious connection to me.
http://melissacartercreations.com/gpage8.html

I know I've had my own strange reaction to death but it wasn't this morbid grinning.  When my grandfather died, I was in 4th grade.  I remember flying up to Missouri for the funeral around christmastime.  They had a huge christmas tree set up next to the casket in the church and my brother and I wandered over there to view the ornaments.  Eventually we got bored of this and started a game of tag.  In retrospect, chasing each other around the coffin of our deceased family member shows incredibly bad social awareness.  But on the other hand, why must death be such a horrendous thing to be feared?  We all know we're bound to die sooner or later.  It's what happens to all living organisms.  I remember this one woman at my church always said she wanted a party instead of a funeral.  And when she died, that's exactly what we did.  We had a flamingo-themed celebration of life.  I remember my mom explaining it to me but I was too small to understand the bigger implications until I got older.  So I really do hold this intrinsic belief that we should celebrate the time we spend here.

The author's father had a granite obelisk as a gravestone which seems
beyond appropriate for his life choices.
http://www.texemarrs.com/032009/obsessed_with_sex.htm

But there's another response to death I'd like to bring up- that of the slow climax building up to the final tragedy.  In the author's case, "Dad's death was not a new catastrophe but an old one that had been unfolding very slowly for a long time." (83)  But this can be true of other situations as well.  Specifically I'm speaking of wasting away because of disease.  I think that is one example where celebrating the beauty of life becomes much, much harder.  Because what's beautiful about slowly falling apart?  I'm really having trouble phrasing this correctly, probably because I'm dealing with this issue right now.  Over winter break, my family found out my Grandma has cancer and not of the curable variety. Since then, it's been a careful dance of side-stepping what I can.  I know it sounds like I'm shirking my familial duty but I'm not sure how to handle what's going on.  My mom continues to be frank with me and what to expect in the near future and that makes me feel too logical and lacking in emotion.  But then when I talked to dad (whose mother is my Grandma), he was just incredulous that he might never see her again. It's rather unusual to hear my dad be so direct about his emotions.  He's the engineer and the one who usually just sees the world as a conglomeration of facts.  So when I talked to him, I didn't know how to soothe or comfort or be of any help at all.  And the whole situation puts my own parents mortality into question.  I've always known I have relatively old parents but I never linked that to length of time span.  And frankly, that train of thought paralyzes me with fear.  So while I'm highly engaged in reading Fun Home, I'm having trouble putting my own emotions about real life into context.

Taekwondo Dreams

 Sweat pours between my eyes as I gulp water from a massive plastic water bottle.  Coach Smith gestures next to me, talking more with his hands than words about how the girl opposite me is kicking only on reaction.  As he explains a drill to set up the tokichauggi (multiple kicks in a single motion), I hear the referee call me back into the ring.

 As I settle back into the rhythm of the match, all my focus goes into the red hogu (body shield) bobbing in front of me. The girl wearing it tries to bait me into an attack and I react in kind, sliding forward into just out of her range.  She doesn’t bite so I throw the kick, following up with a cover punch to block her attempted return volley of kicks.  I can see she’s off balance and press the advantage.  With all the speed mustered from my months of training, I land three round house kicks before dodging back out of range.  Out of my peripheral vision, I see the ring judge move in and end the fight.  He lines us up, has us bow towards each other, and then announces the victor.  We shake each other’s hand as well as with the coaches before returning to the team.  Although the score is plainly displayed as 12-3 in my favor, I listen attentively to Coach Smith explain the next skill I need to perfect.  It’s as if my entire day, and possibly life, is devoted to the sport of taekwondo.

 Now I know what I just described doesn’t seem like a leadership position.  In fact, it doesn’t even seem like an organization and most would argue that taekwondo is a solo sport.  However, I couldn’t disagree more.  There is an immense amount of work that is always going on behind the scenes for every tournament, match, and practice.  Having served this semester as historian and officer for the Texas Taekwondo club team, I’ve been privy to the multitudinous organizational challeneges.  Most of which are on a grand scale such as transporting eighteen plus members to California, have them all register correctly for competing, having adequate transportation once in California, and getting them all home again.  The list of tasks behind a single competition was daunting, yet it was all was completed on time.  And while this has still been only my first year to participate on  the team, I’ve found that my involvement with the leadership portion has led me to dream of a bigger and better organized Taekwondo team.

 And in all honesty, there’s no shame in starting out with the little things.  Just from observing this year, I’ve noticed that organizational control is difficult to come by.  For example, the team purchased over the last few years burnt orange jackets and bags.  And while they’re extremely useful for creating a solid team appearance at events, keeping track of all the gear is a statistical nightmare.  With changing members each year, it’s too easy to accidentally leave the team with an expensive UT jacket still in your possession.  A standardized system of labeling and tracking gear with a program like Excel would dispel confusion and calm rising emotions by removing the catalyst of unfairness.

 Another simple but noticeable change would be to set, in advance, the rules of practice and what is expected of each member.  At the beginning of the year, the team had each of us sign a statement which spelled out some of the basic expectations required to be a member.  While the principle behind such an idea is certainly solid, it still had some flaws.  Early in the season, the team was over-whelmed with the influx of new members which nearly doubled the team’s size.  We simply weren’t prepared for the logistics of having that many people in the martial arts room. When members started missing practice without explanation, the captain implemented the rule requiring absentees to e-mail within 24 hours and present an acceptable reason for their absence.  This system would have worked if we had simply delegated someone the task of monitoring attendance.  As so aptly put in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “we accomplish all that we do through delegation- either to time or to other people.

”  So the rational next step is to preemptively decide on punishments for failing to meet team requirements.  If everyone knows that missing practice means running three miles at 6am with the team captain watching, we are much less likely to miss practice.  And when the team is all present to train together, we’re that much more likely to succeed in any tournament.

 But I think what will provide the most growth and expansion for Texas Taekwondo is the adoption of relatively new technology like Facebook and Twitter for both inner-team discussions and interaction with the world at large.  Because we’ve become such a large team in a very short amount of time, keeping everyone connected is a priority.  Often weather or other uncontrollable factors change plans and checking that everyone is aware of the switch is of the utmost importance.  My duty as historian this year has put me in charge of updated and modifying the Texas Taekwondo Facebook page in which I saw the enormous potential for growth.  Not only did I discover Facebook to be a handy tool to deliver messages to the team, it also has evolved into a means of creating a dedicated fan base for the group.  As is so often referenced in World Literature class, internet immortality is a vital component for success in later life.  I’ve appreciated being forced into having prior experience with technology like making portfolios and updating blogs because it has made me more consistent in my role as historian to keep our digital profile alive and relevant.

 However my knowledge is far from perfect.  So far, I have had no formal training in computer or technology skills.  Any and all techniques are things I've just picked up from friends.  This led me to the belief that having a specific computer programming basis to work off would provide a better baseline for future endeavors.  Hence, I plan to take at least one course in college on computer programming, probably one that uses a simple but effective program like C++.  By extending my current knowledge of technology programming into something more advanced, I could better expand our realm of influence on the web.  But I'm careful not to forget that programming is only the basis on which to display a message. The message itself is what conveys to others the true spirit of the group.  And in that vein, I feel that taking a journalism writing course would greatly improve my ability to reach a wider audience.  The Texas Taekwondo team already has a website but in order to attract more prospective members, it needs to have interesting articles worth reading.  The striking difference between creative writing and journalistic reporting justifies applying for a class in the communications school to better learn journalistic writing.  By the end of a single semester in such a course, I suspect that the long term aspirations I have for the team could come to fruition.

 By long term, I mean the distant yet not unattainable plans that I foresee in the genesis of Texas Taekwondo.  So far, most of the adjustments I’ve mentioned are things that could be easily instigated by next year but along with other small changes, would lead to a perception shift of the sport as a whole.  We had humble (and recent) beginnings as “the nationally competitive sport team [that] was later created in 2005 by former national team member Tony Smith.

”   But since that first competitive team, we’ve strived to become a force to be feared.  I want to have Texas Taekwondo enter a tournament all decked out in burnt orange and moving as a single unit.  I want this image to create a sense of trepidation in all the other competitors at the meet.  And that recognition shouldn’t be something solely limited to other taekwondo teams.  My vision is to have the University of Texas recognize the hard work these student athletes put in.  I feel that we should be seen on par with groups like Texas Baseball or Basketball.  This awareness could take the form of a nicer facility for practice or even just more students interested in joining the program and learning what it’s truly about.

 The most tangible form of awareness that I wish to achieve is to host a major taekwondo competition here on campus.  I feel that this would serve as a two-fold advantage for team.  On one side, it would get the team more involved in the process of planning and carrying out a tournament.  It would be a good chance to have the team work towards a group goal instead of the individual interests of matches and victories.  And the hunt for new upcoming leaders is never over.  As older students graduate, it’s important to have tested the mettle of the younger ones and develop the skills they’ll need later on.  The other key benefit to a tournament hosted on UT campus is that it would allow for outside students to visit and get a taste of one of UT’s unique sports teams.  By spreading the word through a variety of media such as flyers and e-mail announcements, we could  draw a crowd to help support and cheer on the team.  As a fighter with a history of being a performer, I know exactly how great a difference it can make when you have a crowd chanting for you.  I want the team to be able to experience that intense passion of having an entire community backing you.

.

 While I know that improving the Texas Taekwondo team isn’t exactly a goal that will save the world, I still know there’s plenty to be gained from improving the community it creates.  Many of the students on the team didn’t expect the transformation from friends to family on the taekwondo team, which is exactly what happened.  The hard work fostered a family atmosphere where everyone is accepted as an integral part- from white to black belts.  The basic tenements of taekwondo state that “taekwondo students can improve themselves physically, and mentally by training. The final goal is to achieve harmony with nature and oneself.

”  It’s not a ninja movie where the goal is to learn crazy kicks and knock out opponents.  The real aspiration is to train yourself in self-discipline which can be applied to all aspects of your life.  The dedication you learn produces a strong foundation of character that can never be taken for granted.  The taekwondo team trains body, mind, and spirit and I want that experience to continue to grow and influence students on the University of Texas campus.

WORD COUNT: 1,823

WORD COUNT WITHOUT QUOTES: 1,769

Photo Credits:

-Match video: Raymund Lee

-Me kicking: Raymund Lee

-Group waiting to fight: Me

-Warm up in Jackets: Tina Tran

-Group Photo: Mr. Rodriguez

[1] Stephen R. Covey, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic (New York: Free Press, 2004), 171.

[2] "About," Texas Sport Taekwondo 2010. http://www.utsporttkd.com/about-2/.

[3] "Ethics," General Taekwondo Information, 1994-2010. http://www.barrel.net/ethics.php.

The Great American Melting Pot, Part 1

While I usually like to open up my blogs with a personal story or explanation, in this case I just want to start with a quote:

"Minority students wait until they know me better before they ask my race.  But it's usually the second question white students ask, and I don't understand why." (402)

The American melting pot has many ingredients.
http://livesimplechicago.wordpress.com/

I want to bring your attention to this point because when I read it, I immediately realized that I am the proto-typical white student.  Whenever I meet a student of racial color, I'm immediately curious to know where they're from.  I don't necessarily indulge in that curiosity but it's always sitting in the back of my mind.  So what is it about us white students that makes us so automatically curious?  There are plenty of caucasian immigrants from interesting, foreign nations but we don't go around asking each other "where are you from?"  Why is it implied that white students are natives while colored skin indicates a foreignness?  I know that it could relate to the fact that recent history has seen an influx of Oriental and Indian immigrants but in Texas, there have been latino/(a)s fir as long as we've been a state.  So I find it really strange that this latino student is constantly asked where he's from when it shouldn't be all that unusual.  Then again, he was attending a northern school according to the text and I suppose there's a different blend of ethnicities up there.

"Although my cousins wanted to get darker, I know that they didn't want to be as dark as I was." (406)

Here are some statistics you might not have known.
http://spanish-translation-blog.spanishtranslation.us/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/Hispanic-Origin.gif

And I just had to say, this is the exact same point we made only weeks earlier in class.  Are they tanning to become as dark as a different ethnic group?  Apparently the answer is no.  So why do they tan?  I've seen people look like a crispy french fry and consider themselves beautiful.  I know that there's an aspect of tan skin giving off a "healthy glow" but that only applies to some extent.  At some point you just look burned.

And lastly, I'd like to point out that racial markers aren't the only thing that can stigmatize students.  Financial situations can cause barriers as well.  I know for a fact that my dad can identify with the quote, "As financial aid students, Ben and I shared a completely different experience from all the boarding students and the wealthy day students." (416)  He was in the exact same position in high school in regards to monetary standing.  My grandpa really wanted my dad and his sister to get the best possible education so he worked as a manual laborer around Ft.Lauderdale and put every penny towards keeping his kids in a rather expensive prepatory high school.  And though my grandpa was just trying to do what he thought was best for his kids, my dad absolutely hated it.  Over spring break we went back to Florida to visit my grandparents and every day that we drove to their house, we passed Dad's old school.  All he really had to say about it was how he never fit in because all the rich kids participated in expensive activities and got new things like cars and boats for their birthdays.  My dad just couldn't keep up with that kind of stuff, and honestly had no desire to do so.  But it still created a social paradigm that bothers him to this day.  It used to be that whenever I tried to talk about high school with him, he just couldn't relate.  I had a completely different experience all because I fell into the same financial bracket as most of my fellow classmates.  And while I might've had a more bland high school experience (with few ethnic groups represented and everyone at about the same financial level), I'm thankful to now be experiencing the huge diversity of UT with an open mind.

Bob Bullock Museum

I'm no stranger to the Bob Bullock Museum here in Austin.  In fact, just like the hordes of kids running around last tuesday when we visited, I too wandered the exhibits as a school trip to look at all the mannequins and reach out to touch anything labelled "PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH."  What can I say?  Kids will be kids.  But now that I've returned and actually taken the time to read the displays and examine the artifacts, I feel a resurgence in my interest in Texan history.

A floor mural of the diversity of Texan history.
Photo by me.

I mean, we are a state very proud to have once been called an independent nation.  But I'm jumping ahead of myself.  The exhibits starts with the entrance of the European and in my opinion it says something about our current culture.  In all truth, there were humans in Texas long before the Spanish Conquistadores but we always tend to marginalize their history.  I understand part of it is due to the way they recorded history so we have less direct knowledge.  But I think there's also a tendency to over-emphasize the culture of the Spanish, French, and English who later arrived on Texan shores.  However, the Bob Bullock Museum does a good job of explaining the drastic changes which occurred with the arrival of the Europeans.  In some ways, Native American life was improved by the changes like the introduction of the horse.  They also enjoyed a relatively fair trade with the French who were not so much colonialists as backwoodsmen.  But, according to one of the educational videos playing on the first floor,"by 1790, about 2,800 hardy Spanish settlers called Tejas home."

Personally, I tend to enjoy the parts of history displayed on the second floor a little bit more.  I hate to say it but war is a more interesting topic that simply settlement of the land.  And the second floor of the Bullock history museum covers the whole of the Texan revolution.  From the early shots out of the "Come and Take It" cannon through the 18 minute battle of San Jacinto.  Nothing like some video clips of re-inacted battles to catch the attention of museum-goers.  However, on the same floor it goes on to display some other interesting changes in the grand ol' state.  For one, I had no idea the nursing school in Galveston was founded in 1890.  And it was around this same time that Texas began to gain an influx of some rather unusual cultures.  Russians, Swiss, Czechs, Scots, and Italians all immigrated to this state and settled in to call it home.  When I read this, I was reminded of Fredericksburg and the very German history of the town.  We tend to think of Texas as just cowboys, dustbowls, and oil.  But there's really a lot more to the story than just the traditional myths.

The quaint town of Fredericksburg.
http://members.virtualtourist.com/m/ed19/d644a/

In fact, Texas has a varied economic basis.  According to the monopoly-like Q&A on the ground of the third floor, Texas exports shrimp, cotton, textiles, rice, oil, sugar cane, pine, citrus, cinnabar, and angora sheep wool.  While we might have been a predominantly cotton based industry in the 1800s, the discovery of oil propelled Texas towards a more industrial-based economy instead of soley relying on agriculture.

And (my personal favorite part of the third floor) as WWII enveloped the nation, Texas became a prime training ground for fighter pilots.  Even women were allowed to enter the air as either WASP or test pilots for new aircraft.  It was a changing socio-political scene which helped with the gender equality battles that were to be fought afterwards.

Female pilots helped pioneer the way into the sky during WWII.
http://www.cwrl.utexas.edu/~bump/images/story/FemalePilots.jpg

So, while I wasn't the sugar-crazed primary school student running from picture to picture this time around, some of my childish amazement remains.  We are a state of immigrants and natives, of agriculturalists and industrialists, of religious conviction and technological advancements.  And no museum can really hold all of the interesting facts there are about Texas, though the Bob Bullock makes a worthy attempt.  And next time I travel to another city like San Antonio or Dallas or even Fredericksburg, I'll be reminded of the diversity which makes up the whole.

Taniguchi Gardens

Let's be honest, I'm a huge Japanese culture aficionado.  My name in my world lit class isn't Wolf, but the Japanese translation of Ookami.  My mom and I make it a habit to go out for dinner and order sushi.  And, when I have the spare time, I love to watch anime in its original language.  So yes, I am big on Japanese culture.  Yet, I can't help but still feel an outsider to some of their customs and traditions.  Unlike introverts, I have trouble finding an inner calm to quiet my restless spirit.  Meditating this semester in class has helped some but I still get antsy after too long.  I'm looking forward to our visit to the Taniguchi Gardens for this very reason.

My friend actually painted this piece and to me, it seems to represent how
all growth stems from the flow of water.
http://guard5girl5geek.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d36f864

"The gurgling sound of the water was healing.  The stillness of the ponds was calming." (224)

The one thing I have found able to put me at ease is water.  For all my fiery personality type, I absolutely adore swimming, floating, and otherwise relaxing in water.  It's probably because of the Texan heat, which doesn't allow for much activity outside during the summer unless water is involved but almost all of my best memories are associated with the substance.  Certainly, there are times when I'm just romping around in the waves of the ocean with my little brother or kayaking across town lake to spy what's around the next bend.  But I have many more quiet moments as well.  My Dad taught me to appreciate our pool at nighttime.  To go float in the water right after sunset and watch the shooting stars is a spiritual activity akin to attending church.  Hence, I can only infer what beauty we'll discover in Zilker's botanical gardens.  I'm sure we'll honor Isamu Taniguchi's wishes in that "It is my wish you have pleasant communion with the spirit of the garden." (214)

A garden is an interesting synthesis between our need for order and the search for natural beauty.
http://www.helloaustin.com/media/articles/large/5236_image3_large.jpg

On a rather less related note, I think it is important that while we visit and meditate at the gardens, we focus on the tragedy that Japan is still facing.  While news coverage of the aftermath of the tsunami that hit Japan's shores has waned, the damage seems to still be increasing.  And just look at the statistics.  "The bomb dropped at Hiroshima had less than 2% of the power of one of the thousands of nuclear devices in the world today." (216)  That was a localized, wartime disaster.  In a way, it could be expected as part of the total war both sides engaged in during the 1940s. But now they are facing an even more widespread crisis with the nuclear generators.  And as the 3rd largest economy in the world, we can't claim what happens over there wont effect us financially or emotionally.  I urge any and all readers of this blog to please, please find a way to donate to Japan and help the lives of millions.

I find it ironic that while some of our emotions have developed out of a genetic evolution, those same adaptations are now wreaking havoc on the psyches of those who don't fit into our little narrative.  The first and most obvious example is that of physical beauty.  "Along with the idea of romantic love, she was introduced to another- physical beauty.  Probably the most destructive ideas in the history of human thought." (Bluest Eye 122)  In this particular case, Mrs.Breedlove receives the idea of physical attractiveness from not the most reliable of sources- the movies.  It's in part due to Hollywood that stigmatisms about appearance really begin to take shape.

To be sure, physical appearance has always been a part of genetic selection.  More symmetrical faces are considered attractive because they indicate good genetics.  Just as wide hips or breasts on a woman are deemed beautiful because they connect to the ability to birth and feed healthy children.  But such attitudes were in the background of our consciousness and only came to present a challenge when faced with a different culture where the norm is suddenly upset.  Suddenly, that innate niggling fear begins to crop up.  "Fear of being rejected because of our appearance, abandoned by the group, left homeless." (anthology 370)  This fear is also genetically programmed as our species is meant to thrive as a group.  Generally speaking, becoming an outcast in the primordial world meant you were easy pickings for predators, hence the necessity to stay within the group.  And out of such a fear, people have a tendency to lash out.

Physical appearance and adhering to the norm are a big part of avoiding becoming ostracized.
http://wwwbluemoonriver.blogspot.com/2007/07/bluest-eye-featured-in-quilting-arts_30.html

To protect ourselves, we degrade other's self-worth.  It's a vicious cycle that is all too easy to fall into.  And even those who know that they are being abused by the community at large seem often unable to escape its pull.  "He believed that since decay, vice, filth, and disorder were pervasive, they must be in the Nature of Things." (Bluest Eye 172)  I assume it's because if you've heard often enough how ugly or unworthy you are, no matter how much self-esteem you originally had, you'll eventually start to believe it.

And just look at the imploding self-destruction that happens within the Breedove family.  "No one intervenes to save the Breedloves: they face the ineluctable fatality of Psalm 109: 'May the crimes of his fathers be held against him and his mother's sin never effaced." (anthology 389)  And everyone in the family ends up suffering because of their acquiescence to the community's attitude of what they are.

But I don't mean to say the whole situation is irreparable.  Yes in the novel Bluest Eye, the protagonist Pecola is never redeemed in the eyes of the community but this is a work of fiction and doesn't have to be the fate of the world at large.  I think it's important to consciously be aware of assumptions of physical appearances that we make each day.  Just analyzing our thoughts and reactions to everyday life can be awareness to the situation at hand.  And that awareness is necessary to go to the next step of compassion.  There's no perfect '5 Steps to being a Better Person' or some such short cut to solving racism, sexism, or even plain out meanness.  But if we can slowly learn to see our failings and try to change, bit by bit, I think it's possible to move beyond our fear.

I thought this was an interesting concept showing how random it is that we receive our physical traits yet they make a tremendous difference in how we are perceived as people by the world at large.
http://www.thebingomaker.com/index.php/bingo-cards/people-vocabulary-bingo-cards/physical-appearance-bingo-cards.html

ESTJ in an ISFJ world

I still remember the summer before freshman year of college.  I was perusing the plan II class catalogue and Professor Bump's class caught my eye.  It wasn't just that the reading selection was different.  I also felt like the short paragraph of the course description was somehow more formulaic and specified.  It turns out my hunch was right as Bump's myers-briggs personality pulls heavily from the sensing category which tends to be detail-oriented in providing directions.  And while that lines up perfectly with my personality categorization of ESTJ, there are other aspects which have proved quite the challenge.

"ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed,” according to Heiss." (2009)

For me, I have trouble relying on someone for any kind of help.  I'm self-reliant and have been so since I was a very small child.  I'll ask for clarification but very rarely will I request help.  I'm sure this has cost me as Professor Bump is very good about offering a variety of services to help our academic career.  For example, he's mentioned the Writing Center on campus both in the anthology and on the website as well as in person during class.  But I must say I've never made the time to visit and find out how I could improve my writing skills.

I didn't actually draw with a ruler but I was known to stack my slices of banana into 2 towers before eating them (and doing so by taking evenly from each tower so they remained the same height.)
http://www.greythinking.com/2010/01/24/perfectionism-as-a-career/

But that's really just peanuts compared to the main statement made in the more recent class assessment by Roo.  According to his research, "It’s time to tear off the shackles of oppression and “perfection” and embrace the ideas of Professor Bump’s Voltaire Coffee: destroy Plan II perfection!" (2011)  I must say, it's ironic that I'm just getting around to writing this blog, and I've recently had a change in opinion on this aspect of my life.

Specifically, my adherence to the perfectionism required for a pre-med student.  Every time I attend my plan II pre-med meeting, I'm constantly bombarded with the message that I should get all A's in all my science classes while simultaneously volunteering in a hospital and getting research experience and a whole other plethora of things to do.  I spent nearly my full first semester stressing about whether I was good enough to get into med-school.  And then this semester hit.

Chemistry seems to have me in a perpetual state of frustration with my imperfections.
http://www.campuscalm.com/premed_stress.html

I'm not going to lie, it hasn't been pretty.  I've done very well in all my classes except chemistry.  While that might not seem so bad, the problem is that there's a good possibility I'll get a C for the course.  As a perfectionist, that's something that's never happened to me before and it terrifies me.  But I feel like I've been able to keep from being swallowed whole by my fear and concern.  All thanks to coping skills I learned in Bump's class.

"Also, instructors should attempt to subvert the rigid ESTF’s meticulous attention to detail by making things crazy!" (2011)

In my opinion, world lit couldn't be any more insane!  Our plans for the day are usually sporadic and ever-changing.  In no other class do I experience such confusion as when I enter Parlin and take my seat at the round table.  Our discussions and activities range over such a wide variety that I'm never quite sure what to expect.  And that acceptance of things being beyond my control has slowly helped me come to terms for the fallibility of people (and of myself in particular).  I'm by no means saying I've given up work as a detail-oriented worker.  Only that I can allow myself a little slack in my ambitions.  I have a full four years (possibly plus some?) years of college and I should use them to explore and define what sort of career I want to hold.  College is not just a factory churning out medical students, it's a place to develop who you want to be.  I've just got to remember that next time I begin to panic over some ambiguous instructions or less-than-perfect score.

The Eye of the Beholder (cue Twilight Zone music!)

I seem to remember The Bluest Eye being on a reading list somewhere in my history of schooling but I don't recall when or where.  I never really gave the book much thought besides curiosity at the strange title.  After completing the book last night (I ended up staying up past my self-appointed bed time just to finish the last chapter), I realized ho relevant it still is to our world today.

The first and most obvious theme presented is that of beauty.  And what an abstract yet potent idea that is.  I never really cared for my appearance as a child so it was disturbing to hear Claudia say"I had only one desire: to dismember it.  To see of what it was made, to discover the dearness, to find the beauty, the desirability that had escaped me, but apparently only me." (20)  How could such a doll pull so much hatred from this little girl?  But at the same time, I can relate to her confusion over what makes someone or something truly beautiful.

As I said before, as a kid I wasn't much concerned with appearance.  In fact, throughout middle school I purposely wore clothes that didn't necessarily match or were deemed "uncool."  It was in part because I despised the popular kids who wore expensive clothing and partially because it made more sense to wear things I didn't mind getting dirty.  I've always been an adventurous person and coming home with ruined shirts was a regular occurrence for me.  But as I moved into late middle school and early high school, I began to observe the social dynamics and how much of an effect the exterior appearance had.  It was easy to pick out the popular kids who had the Hollister shirts, long straight blonde hair, and (for the girls) a very skinny build.  Even back then, I wasn't build like a twig.  I've always had broad shoulders and muscular thighs.  For the most part, I'm thankful for my body type because I know I have the strength to take care of myself.   But for a few years, I really hated my body.  I was just too big.  Lined up in class photos, I'd look chubby compared with the wisp of a girl I was standing next to- even if I was mostly muscle.  I don't think it was until junior year in high school that I finally got over the fact that I would never have a slight build.

None of the girls in middle school were this skinny but I have to wonder- if thin is our idea of beauty, are we moving closer to something like this being considered the standard?
http://forum.gaijinpot.com/showthread.php?69615-Miss-Universe-Oz-controversy

And by now, I've really become pretty much satisfied with the way I am.  I relate much more to Claudia than Pecola because I'm more interested in what my body can do for me physically, not the attention it can bring.  "We felt comfortable in our skins, enjoyed the news that our senses released to us, admired our dirt, cultivated our scars, and could not comprehend this unworthiness." (74)  We're made to enjoy the world and our senses are the core means that allow us to do so.  I'm not just talking about sight or sound but also the tactile experiences.  There's nothing quite like feeling the power of your legs as you spring across the soccer field or the steady rhythm of your arms as you swim through the water.  The sensation of doing has become what I find beautiful.  You don't have to have a pretty face to be good at basketball but making a perfect slam dunk or 3-pointer is every bit as gorgeous.

Images can't quite do it justice but there really is something graceful about a clean, point scoring kick.
Picture by me.

It's taken me a long time to learn (and I don't think I'm done yet), but I think beauty is something you show by doing something you love.  For me, it's taekwondo and seeing a match play perfectly into your hands as you read the opponent and score the match-winning point.  There's a kind of fluid grace and tempo in throwing kicks and dodging your opponent's that to me, is beautiful.  But I also think there is beauty in a well-played piece of music or a caringly crafted building.  What I'm trying to say, is that we need to accept that beauty isn't skin deep or even related to the skin at all.  It's about expressing your passion to others and having them love you because if it.  I may have gone off on a tangent here but I guess my view of beauty isn't really physical at all.

Maus

I must admit, this isn't my first reading of Maus.  Last year it was my summer reading assignment for senior GT English along with The Book Thief.  While most students congratulated me on my luck at getting to read a comic for homework, I couldn't quite share in their enthusiasm.  Just flipping through the volumes, I felt a confusing array of emotions.  A little horror and disgust for the horrible crimes committed, some excitement at having a light reading assignment, and a little apprehension over the fact that this author put the tragedy's into a format often called 'the funnies.'  Interestingly enough, Art Spiegelman owns up to the strange position he's in with the style of his piece.  "And trying to do it as a comic strip!  I guess I bit off more than I can chew... There's so much I'll never be able to understand or visualize." (16)  And isn't that true for all of us?  With an event that horrendous, there's no way we can comprehend it in its entirety.  I recently visited the National WWII museum in New Orleans and spent a full day moving through its chronological exhibits.  The images are all things we've seen in history books like flights of aircraft, Generals standing at attention, and 'Rosie the riveter' at work in the munitions factory.  But then when I came to the Pacific theatre, I was stunned by how large of a role racism played in our war against the Japanese.

Both the Japanese and Americans did their best to demonize each other as the enemy
and play off the racial prejudices each culture holds.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/gruenemann/2051226628/sizes/o/in/photostream/

I know Maus covers the portion of the war dealing with Hitler and his plan to exterminate the Jews but did you know that idea originated from Japan?  The publication called "Japan und Die Japaner" was a treatise written by Haushofer from his visit to the country.  (As an interesting aside, check out this clip clip stating at 5:00 to 5:40.  It depicts Jewish movie maker Fritz Lang describing Haushofer's book.)  He claimed that their culture was so advanced and that their economy was so strong because they had a single, unified race.  This essay, combined with the already prevalent attitude of anti-semitism found in Europe, helped fuel the Nazi party's excuse for all out genocide.

This image depicts Rudolf Hess and Karl Haushofer whose political ideas helped influence Adolf Hitler.
http://www.answers.com/topic/karl-haushofer

And what an atrocity it was.  Maus doesn't go into too many of the specifics of the crimes committed in Auschwitz but the mental images it does convey are the sort that haunt you long after you've finished reading.  "And those what finished in the gas chambers before they got pushed in these graves, it was the lucky ones.  The others had to jump in the graves while they were still alive.  Prisoners what worked there poured gasoline over the live ones and the dead ones.  And the fat rom the burning bodies they scooped and poured again so everyone could burn better." (72)  In my opinion, this is the worst of the cruelties described.  It also immediately reminded me of an exhibit I saw at the Bob Bullock museum many years ago.  It was a history of Davy Crockett and one part discussed his involvement with the Native Americans.  I don't think he was ever involved with any raids against the indigenous people but there was an except from his writings that described an attack on a village.  Apparently a teepee burned down with it's inhabitants still inside.  The teepee was over a store of potatoes and since the men were starving, they ate the potatoes which had been cooked through with the human fat.

The bodies burning outside Auschwitz.
http://zioneocon.blogspot.com/2004_04_18_archive.html

Sorry, I didn't mean make a bad image worse.  I just though it was an interesting connection with our last reading of Black Elk Speaks and Maus.  As for tying in yet another culture.  I know that Bat already brought this up but Vladek is quite the racist for having suffered through similar treatment. When he sees an African American hitchhiker, he doesn't want to offer a hand and worries that the man will steal his groceries.  Art's wife is rightly outraged at is attitude.  "That's outrageous!  How can you, of all people, be such a racist!  You talk about blacks the way the Nazis talked about Jews!" (99)  It seems that even those who know the worst of racism still can't apply it to the world at large.  Is it because they had such an intensely personal experience that they can't back out to see the whole picture?

Vladek even later admits as he passes through the wrecked city that "We came away (from Nuremberg) happy.  Let the Germans have a little what they did to the Jews." (130)  I think the real issue that mankind has to overcome is the idea of revenge.  Hammurabi's code may have called for an eye for an eye but that just leaves everyone blind, so to speak.  Do we really want to see the world in terms of equal suffering and pain?  How does that sound like a place we want to live?  I think getting over the hurdle of equality of suffering will push us a long way towards a better global understanding of compassion.