In particular, it comes down to the decision of life outside the university. What should I do next? That's what really gets to me. I have a vague idea of my ideal profession but it's not one you can take lightly. Where I really want to go with my life is into the world of medicine. I want to learn and understand the science of how our bodies work. More specifically, I want to work on the inner trappings of the mind. I want to study neurology or neuropsychology or neurobiology. And in all honesty, this isn't something I can take lightly. Medical schools have so many requirements and stipulations that I worry I wont be good enough by the level of interest that I have now. I love reading about medical exploits of the past and present and I relish in understanding how the bodies systems function as a whole; but is that really enough?
According to advice I've received from various sources, I should be constantly focusing on my grades. I should keep the highest possible GPA, shadow a doctor, get an internship/job at a hospital, and still view that as not enough. As said in the anthology, I'm "endangered of being absorbed and narrowed by [my] pursuit."(pg. 291) What if I get three years down the line with my whole life focusing on the expectation of going to medical school? And what if it turns out that I'm not good enough? Or even worse, that it's not my passion and I've wasted my time and energy with undue stress. That thought always manages to double my current concerns.
So then, in some effort to make sense of what I need/ought to do, I visit the counseling services of both plan II and the health professions office. It helps me get a map on what I want to do. Or, at least, I think it does. This is all assuming I'm actually not wasting my time in thinking medical school is for me. It's funny, one of the pieces of advice given in the Yale Freshman Address is "what I wish for you to avoid, as you continue your journey, is the desire to try and arrange all of the future now." (pg. 293) So am I trying too hard to map out my entire life when I'm not even half way through my first semester? I mean, I feel like if I don't have some general plan, than I could just be spinning my wheels with certain classes. I hate the idea of wasting my parents money if nothing comes of it. But of course, I can argue the other side as well. Am I not learning how to learn here in college? Am I not finding out what it means to be a part of the world and how to manage myself within it? I wish I could find the middle ground instead of swinging between the two extremes.
And then I can't help but think of my best friend, Max. I remember in high school, I could never understand why he was so smart but never freaked out about grades or GPA. He just took what he got and didn't worry excessively about where he was ranked or if taking a certain class would make his grades go down. He just took what sounded interesting to him and didn't worry about the details. I asked Max about it once and he simply told me "I take classes to just learn as much as I can. That's really what school is about." I never realized he was so wise until he shared that little gem with me. "Knowledge is capable of being its own end." (pg. 288) I still have trouble coming to terms with that. Maybe I'm too goal oriented or maybe I try to do everything too perfectly and quickly. I don't know what it is. I'm aware that it's unhealthy to become fixated on a goal because it can consume you and become your life. But I feel lost if I don't have something to strive for. Is that so wrong? Balance, balance, balance. That's what it all comes down to.
But on a rather unrelated note, I got a bit of nostalgia reading the last article in the assigned reading. On page 322, it mentioned that "UT is now planning on requiring electronic portfolios in all classes." Interestingly, I've already been through that process twice. In my school district, the biggest project we ever got was our portfolios. We had one that synthesized the three years in middle school. And more impressively, we made one for our career in high school. It included major projects in all classes, awards, community service, leadership, and even hit on where we saw our futures leading towards. We compiled a hard copy and made a presentation that we gave to a panel of a teacher, a community member, and a professional. A lot of kids got overly worried about the whole ordeal but I found it soothing. It was a way to combine everything I'd done up to that point into something tangible. I'm hoping our portfolio is much the same.
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