Most of How can I Help? seems to me to be a bit outside of my personal scope. I can't claim to have lived a difficult or impoverished life. I'm a white middle class student who has a loving family and supportive friends. There's been only one great tragedy in my otherwise bland life. But for some reason this quote struck me in a very personal way. Maybe it's because I've been closer friends with my male peers than the girls, but I see this attitude all too often. I'll be trying to express my frustration to a guy friend and all they can do is hand me solutions. I know they think it's what I'm looking for and I know guys tend to not be so good at the express-all-your-deepest-hidden-emotions thing but it ends up just causing annoyance. When I go to someone with my problems, I'm honestly not looking for suggestions or answers. What I really need is just an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.
Life doesn't have "answers" in my opinion. There are just multiple choices all of which lead down different possible roads. So why do we, as a culture, believe we're "helping" by directing others on their journey? Is it because we have trouble seeing our own path and it gives us a sense of control to have a clear decision for someone? Maybe. But why can't we break away from this script? It only causes more trouble instead of resolving anything.
http://blog.technicalmanagementinstitute.com/active_listening/
"The aura of know-how in the helper can undermine our confidence as the helped in defining issues for ourselves." (130)
The second quote, though not from the same paragraph or even same page, provides the second step in the issue of telling instead of listening. There have been plenty of times when a well meaning friend came off sounding like a know-it-all. I immediately rejected their advice simply on the basis that I felt belittled by their attitude. Not the best logical reasoning but I was upset because I felt I wasn't being heard. I just a puzzle for them to solve. Just a robot to be programmed with the answer. I reacted by reacting. At the time, it felt like I was being independent but based on our reading in Covey's book, I know I was really just acting counter-dependent.
I was just so frustrated that my friend didn't view me as a whole. They only saw the problem and felt their knowledge basis was greater than mine and so had the "right" answer. But it was my concern in the first place, so how could they possibly know better? Once I fall into that thinking trap, I either react by deferring to them (and giving up self-esteem) or react completely opposite their suggestions (and still lose self esteem; the sensation is just lost in my frustration). It's a no-win scenario from something that was supposed to be a positive interaction.
http://www.theaccidentalsuccessfulcio.com/tag/decision-making
I know I need to take this message to heart; to not just project it onto the scenarios I've played out with my friends. And it's difficult to tell your mind to quiet down so your heart can open up. It's a work in progress but I think I get better, little by little, every day.
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