Earthlings

I don't understand.  That's the first coherent thought I could make out after watching Earthlings.  It wasn't the first thought but it certainly was the first well-formed one.  Before that it was just a jumble of emotions and pain.  I'm usually not one who gets upset easily by such videos.  Sure, Food Inc. made me cringe a bit but I didn't stop eating my favorite foods.  I've done plenty of studying of the subject matter in my environmental science class last year, but nothing was quite as explosive as this.

I think what really cut me deepest was the very first segment, that on pets.  I've been through some personal trauma of my own in this respect and hearing the statistics only brought back up my recent pain.


"An estimated 25 million animals become homeless every year. And as many as 27% of purebred dogs are among the homeless." (transcript; http://www.cwrl.utexas.edu/~bump/Earthlingstranscript.htm)


My dog, my first dog that really connected to me, was a purebred German short-haired pointer.  We found her as a (you guessed it) neighborhood stray.  Apparently she'd been wandering through backyards for quite some time.  She was a beautiful dog, she was just gun shy.  We think that's why she was a tramp- the owner probably took her out for hunting training and went the gun went off, she did too.  I guess the guy never bothered to look for her.  Not that I'm complaining, she was the love of my life.  I remember how I wooed her with a piece of cheese and she spent the first night under my window.  My parents had to let me keep her after that point.  I named her Rosie, I'm not even sure why.  And over the years it morphed into "Rosie-pose," "Rosarita," "Rosie-girl," and many others besides.

I've never been overly affectionate or need company to feel comfortable.  In fact, I tend to function much better on my own.  But losing Rosie taught me that was all just a front.  I didn't know I could lose someone who meant that much to me.  I didn't know the pain would go on for what seemed like forever.


I know I touched on it in my Road Map slide, but I didn't really cover what happened.  How I was studying for my AP English test when my mom came in my room and said Rosie wasn't coming when she called.  I went on the back porch to whistle for her.  I waited about five minutes, figured she had found some treed squirrel, and went back inside.  It wasn't long after that my mom came in y room and told me that she found Rosie and she was dead.


Just like that.


I remember walking, maybe running, to the back yard and thinking this was all a terrible joke.  It wasn't. My dad was kneeling over her body, petting her still warm head.  After that, my memory just goes to bits and pieces.  Crying.  Lots of sobbing really.  My head started to play through everything I'd seen her do: chase bees, cuddle with me by the fireplace, run out to greet the bus, swimming in Lake Travis.  Each memory turned into a shard of glass that cut me to the very core.  And the worst part was seeing how she collapsed.  The direction of her head; she was heading towards the back porch.  She was heading towards me.


I'm not just sharing this because of her original status as a stray dog.  I more want to touch on the afterwards.  On what happened after we found her.  My dad and I both went to the front yard where she liked to hunt in the tall grass and dug a hole.  Not neighborhood-regulations official, but we weren't sending her away.  It was hard work and it helped ease the physical tension.  I was still crying but that didn't end for several months anyways (I still don't think it has).  And when it was deep enough, we carried her body across the yard in an old towel and carefully lowered her in.  It was hard to wrap her up for a final time and begin to replace the dirt.  It was beyond hard.  But when we finished, it felt final.  It felt like we had given her a proper farewell.

I think that's something that's missing in today's world.  We're so far away from death and suffering.  It's all hidden away behind closed doors, whether in the hospital or at the vet.  People are concerned about growing violence because of video games or graphic movies but we don't children how to properly handle death.  Instead, we over-react and dress it all up.  "Oh no honey, Fido's just taking a nap."  "Jack had to go away sweetie."  We think were protecting them, but we're only delaying the inevitable which will cause them even more grief.  To be an active part of the last rites for a loved one is one of the most important duties we have.  While I don't agree with Earthlings statement that if we had to kill our meat we'd all be vegetarians, I think we certainly would have a greater respect for all life.

The way slaughter houses and cafos (concentrated animal feeding operations) are run is technically inefficient and inhumane in its practices.  It's neither good for the cattle farmers who must pay for expensive antibiotics and still lose animals from preventable disease, nor for us humans who ingest meat stuffed with god-knows how many drugs and treatments.  It's a no-win scenario, so why are we still at it?

http://www.blueplanetgreenliving.com/tag/cafos/

There are so many problems with the modern society's means of food consumption.  It goes back to health problems, environmental issues, humane-treatment concerns, economic costs and so much besides.  And while we can't change it all at one, is it so much to ask to give these dying animals a bit of dignity in their last moments?

I don't want an answer, just a shoulder

"So part of the time we are listening, but we may also be using our minds to try and solve the problem." (99)

Most of How can I Help? seems to me to be a bit outside of my personal scope.  I can't claim to have lived a difficult or impoverished life.  I'm a white middle class student who has a loving family and supportive friends.  There's been only one great tragedy in my otherwise bland life.  But for some reason this quote struck me in a very personal way.  Maybe it's because I've been closer friends with my male peers than the girls, but I see this attitude all too often.  I'll be trying to express my frustration to a guy friend and all they can do is hand me solutions.  I know they think it's what I'm looking for and I know guys tend to not be so good at the express-all-your-deepest-hidden-emotions thing but it ends up just causing annoyance.  When I go to someone with my problems, I'm honestly not looking for suggestions or answers.  What I really need is just an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.

Life doesn't have "answers" in my opinion.  There are just multiple choices all of which lead down different possible roads.  So why do we, as a culture, believe we're "helping" by directing others on their journey?  Is it because we have trouble seeing our own path and it gives us a sense of control to have a clear decision for someone?  Maybe.  But why can't we break away from this script?  It only causes more trouble instead of resolving anything.

http://blog.technicalmanagementinstitute.com/active_listening/

"The aura of know-how in the helper can undermine our confidence as the helped in defining issues for ourselves." (130)

The second quote, though not from the same paragraph or even same page, provides the second step in the issue of telling instead of listening.  There have been plenty of times when a well meaning friend came off sounding like a know-it-all.  I immediately rejected their advice simply on the basis that I felt belittled by their attitude.  Not the best logical reasoning but I was upset because I felt I wasn't being heard.  I just a puzzle for them to solve.  Just a robot to be programmed with the answer.  I reacted by reacting.  At the time, it felt like I was being independent but based on our reading in Covey's book, I know I was really just acting counter-dependent.

I was just so frustrated that my friend didn't view me as a whole.  They only saw the problem and felt their knowledge basis was greater than mine and so had the "right" answer.  But it was my concern in the first place, so how could they possibly know better?  Once I fall into that thinking trap, I either react by deferring to them (and giving up self-esteem) or react completely opposite their suggestions (and still lose self esteem; the sensation is just lost in my frustration).  It's a no-win scenario from something that was supposed to be a positive interaction.

http://www.theaccidentalsuccessfulcio.com/tag/decision-making

I know I need to take this message to heart; to not just project it onto the scenarios I've played out with my friends.  And it's difficult to tell your mind to quiet down so your heart can open up.  It's a work in progress but I think I get better, little by little, every day.

Take it Easy

I'm one of those people who seems constantly on edge.  Always in a bit of a rush to do this or practice that.  I over-extend myself with activities: in particular, ones that serve my friends or others in the community.  And by the end of the day, all I feel is exhaustion and stress.  I still have so much else planned to do!  That's where Ram Dass has stepped into my life.

"But perhaps there will be nothing we can do.  Then we can only be, and be with the person in his or her pain, attending to the quality of our own consciousness." (88)  It's probably the hardest piece I've ever had to receive and maybe one of the best.  Saving the world isn't about running around like a fiend trying to collect the most money for an organization.  It isn't about being seen as the hero saving the day.  It's more important to be with someone.  To comfort and strengthen them individually.  I'm reminded of this past spring when my community sponsored a Relay for Life.  The National Honor Society created a team and I volunteered to be captain.  I started getting e-mails from the American Cancer Society about all these creative ways to fund raise.  Each student was supposed to earn 100 dollars in donations.  I balked at the numbers.  With 12 students that was $1200!  I became a bit obsessed about ways to meet the quota.  Should we have a bake sale?  A car wash?  When did everyone have time in their busy schedules?

http://cdakiwanis.wordpress.com/2010/01/07/kootenai-county-relay-for-life-kick-off-party/

It became another thing on my long list of the "Urgent: You-should-panic-about-this" variety.  I lost the meaning of Relay for Life and just focused on the hard numbers.  It wasn't until the night of the actual walk that I relaxed and put it into perspective.

I still remember the night.  It was humidly warm in the way that you get a chill unless you wear a light jacket.  We had been taking shifts to walk the track for quite some time when around midnight, all lights were turned off.  The soft glow of the lanterns ringed the ground with ambient light.  I was seated in the grass, taking a break, as I listened to the announcer list those diagnosed with cancer and those who had already moved on from this world.  At first, I tried to concentrate on each name.  Like I was memorizing them for some test.  But slowly, the night sky seeped the tension out of me and I let the words become a rhythm.  I gazed up at the stars, now so prominent with the stadium lighting turned off.  It came to me; that night wasn't about how much you did or didn't raise.  It wasn't about whether you knew everyone in your community who was suffering.  The true purpose was to find a cause beyond yourself and contribute in a way that was meaningful for both sides of the exchange.

http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=night%20sky&order=9&offset=0&offset=48#/dmbsaj

It's difficult to see that we don't always have to the the "hero" to create a positive change in the world.  "The most familiar models of who we are-father an daughter, doctor and patient, "helper" and "helped"-often turn out to be major obstacles to the expression of our caring instincts; they limit the full measure of what we have to offer one another." (20)  To truly make a difference- both within ourselves and in the word around us- we must find a way to slow down and choose where we can really put our effort.  A flurry of movement makes you look busy and important but you're just spinning your wheels.  Find how to love, find how to help, and commit fully.  And while the entirety of the song isn't exactly accurate for the message I'm getting at, I'd like to use the words of The Eagles:

Take it Easy, take it easy 
Don't let the sound of your own wheels 
Drive you crazy 
Lighten up while you still can 
Don't even try to understand 
Just find a place to make your stand 
and take it easy 

Rationalizing A Refusal to Help

I see it all too often these days.  People who think too much about their bank accounts and not enough about the general good of the population.  They refuse to donate time or money (maybe because as the old saying goes- time is money) to any cause unless they are reimbursed in some form.  I knew plenty of people in high school who did community service merely due to the extra padding on their resumes.  It had nothing to do with the cause, just their ambitions to get into some prestigious college or another.  And while these people aren't all "evil," I think there has been a certain amount of programming in our culture that lends itself to such selfish attitudes.

http://asiancorrespondent.com/lonnie-hodge/2007/06/compassion-fatigue

First of all, Americans have an independent attitude almost to a fault.  I'd even go as far to call it counter-dependent.  We tend to make decisions and justify them with "because we're American, we can do that."  It's like the remnants of manifest destiny and the idea to "go big or go home" drives us to personal development.  There's nothing wrong with self-betterment, but it becomes a contest and the entire world is the opponent.  That's where the system breaks down.  Everyone thinks they're a leader in their field but a true leader is "adept at cultivating people's abilities [and] show a genuine interest in those they are helping along." (pg. 332)  Our society has a tendency to skip over that very important fact and instead of aiding the growth of others, we revel their incompetencies and shun their pleas for help.  Why can't they figure it out on their own like we did?  It's immediately gratifying to know you're better at a skill than someone else but it means nothing in the long run.  We, as humans, are social creatures and need to interact and create together to achieve the greatest potential.

Another problem is our inane belief that we simply don't have the time to help.  Like the white rabbit, we're franticly trying "catch up" but to where, we don't always quite know.  So when an organization plans a community service type of event, it can be tough to get participants.  Everyone has something better to do than do work without pay.  In the mode of purely logical reasoning, it just doesn't make sense.  We'd much rather spend our time elsewhere and it's only incentives like community service scholarships that provide impetus to those who would otherwise prefer various forms of self-centered activities.

Monetary concerns is the last main issue plaguing our ineptitude of compassion.  The United States holds money to be a key indicator of social status and even a gauge of happiness.  So when people wont donate time, the next thing they are asked is if they could make a contribution.  It becomes the easy way to bow out of any real involvement.  But even this option is quickly exhausted, known by the term "compassion fatigue."  In fact, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, it's a term that originated in the US.  Someone who has compassion fatigue demonstrates "apathy or indifferent towards the suffering of others" and is "typically attributed to numbingly frequent appeals for assistance, especially donations." (pg. 347)  It's a terrible affliction and, in my opinion, a terrible excuse.  Just giving a couple of bucks to the local charity doesn't count as compassion in my book.  You have to be personally involved and able to see the difference you're making for it to mean anything personal to you.  It just takes a bit of motivation and the emotional reward of seeing the change you can make will do the rest.

http://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/c/compassion_fatigue.asp

Who Says Feelings Can’t Come from the Head?

I honestly can’t remember a time when I wasn’t obsessed with something.  It could be anything; from ancient Egyptian history to a television series, from a club to a newly discovered author.  But I never thought of ‘obsessed’ as being a negative term in reference to some mentally unbalanced state.  To me, obsessed means passionate interest and focus put towards what I find important in life.  It means putting all your energy towards one goal and showing unwavering dedication to seeing it through.  I don’t ever take an interest in moderation; I always find myself obsessed, and that’s how I like to be.

So when I first started to think about my main passion, I ran into a bit of difficulty.  I’ve had many mental addictions, the most consuming of them being my life in color guard.  I could iterate forever on the many skills and interpersonal relationships I built within the family structure of band.  For four years, I didn’t go a day without thinking, talking about, or doing color guard.  Literally.  It was all consuming, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.  I always had to take it one step further, not only to advance myself but also to help build the whole program and to inspire those who would come after me.  I spent hours after school assisting the freshman in the program .  I dedicated days to volunteering in band events.  I lived a color guard immersed life.  But, how does that particular passion lead me to my future?

My train of thought was unexpectedly derailed.  How do I connect guard with where I want to go in life?  I’m aware that I seek something more intellectually fulfilling than becoming a guard instructor so the direct route isn’t what I’m looking for.  So, it’s back to the drawing board, with a vague outline of what I’m looking for.  I know which skills I’ve acquired and what types of leadership I seek to provide.

So, I sit back down at my desk and contemplate where else I’ve found zealot-like devotion in my life, but with my added criteria I take from guard: interactive, a way to help develop someone or some field, and a means to leave a significant legacy.  And it’s those additional requirements that illuminate my true long-term goal.

During senior year, I gave myself the freedom to choose a class based on an unexplored interest.  Out of the multiple options, I chose psychology.  It was a relatively new course, but the teacher’s methods were engaging, and, even more importantly, the subject matter was engrossing.  When we covered the unit on the brain, I felt something click inside of me.  This was truly fascinating.  This is where I could expand into unexplored territory that is still so near and dear to humankind’s ability to reason.  The brain is the link between the intangible world of thoughts and feelings and our ability to act on those impulses.  It’s not exactly a “fuzzy science” like how many view pure psychology, but neither is it completely ordered and structured.  Neuroscience lies somewhere in between.  As Daniel Levitin comments in This is Your Brain on Music, “what artists and scientists have in common is the ability to live in an open-ended state of interpretation and reinterpretation of the products of our work.”[1]  This is ground still fertile for investigation.

After my introduction to the basics of neurology, I began to do what I do best: personal exploration and research.  I have an almost obsessive need to become an expert on my interests, and neuroscience was quickly elevated to such a level.  My mother’s profession as a nurse anesthesiologist allowed me greater opportunities to discuss cases she’s seen.  It was first hand knowledge that brought the world of medicine alive for me.

But even with the fascinating discoveries I was making, I found a dark side to the science.  The main impetus for the study of the mind is due to the multiple mental disorders that effect it.  According to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, “neurological disorders strike an estimated 50 million Americans each year, exacting an incalculable personal toll and an annual economic cost of hundreds of billions of dollars in medical expenses and lost productivity.”[2]  What caught me most sharply was not the monetary toll, but the emotional price.  It’s not just a singular individual who is effected by a neurological disorder, it’s everyone that surrounds them.   I’ve been blessed that no one near me has ever had to face such hardship so I can’t imagine what it’s like to care for someone with an illness like Huntington’s Disease.  It’s one of the most debilitating disorders in the spectrum that slowly robs its victim of their independence.  The spread of Huntington’s is purely genetic so treatment is made even more difficult.  And the symptoms range from depression and mood swings to inability to perform any kind of intellectual task.  The patient essentially loses much of what makes humans unique.  Sadly, it’s one of the multiple afflictions for which modern science has still not managed to discover a cure.

And perhaps more terrifying, there are disorders that don’t just degrade the mind, they hinder it’s ability to express reactions or feelings.  Aphasia is one such disease.  It’s a disorder often caused by head trauma that leaves the patient incapable of expressing themselves: either through speech, sound comprehension, reading, or writing.  To me, that seems a fate far worse than Huntington’s because you are still capable of rational thought, you just aren’t able to express it.  These are only two of the “more than 600 disorders [that] afflict the nervous system.”[3]

Neurology isn’t just looking at some map of the brain and naming what each piece does.  It’s an ever-changing field that adapts to the new discoveries being made every day.  I love that that this particular branch of science allows for so much directly interactive research.  It’s not a discipline that can only be conducted in the sealed off laboratory.  To really uncover the underlying causes of neurological disorders, you must be willing to think not just in terms of brain structure but also environmental factors, viruses, bacteria, and DNA.  There are so many intersecting studies which work in concert to present the whole.  It’s that synthesis that draws my attention just like the integration of flag, rifle, and dance did four years ago.

There’s also an element of intrepid discovery in the study of neurological disorders.  In terms of medical history, it’s a rather young branch with many unanswered questions. How do certain signals travel along the neural pathways?  How can we create a bypass if that part of the patients brain becomes damaged?  These are questions we are only just beginning to ask.  I want to be a part of the movement to help answer them and many besides.  I am in the habit of becoming an expert on whatever I’m passionate, and this would be no exception.  I strive for complete comprehension, even if that means discerning the facts for myself.

But the main point of my passion in neurology is to leave behind something more tangible than simply my existence.  A career as a scientist/psychologist gives me so much opportunity to learn of new treatments and to pass them on.  I probably wont be remembered like Isaac Newton or Albert Einstein, but my contributions could make an immeasurable difference in those suffering from diseases of the nervous system.  It’s unimaginable to predict how the future might turn out for neurological disorders if science can make just one break-through that eases the lives of so many people.

In truth, I’m really rather worried about the whole medical school process.  I’m not one to doubt my abilities but the entire application process is like a sinister fog, making life more murky and unpredictable than it should be.  I suppose everyone goes through such a stage at least once in their life and it cheers me to know that “The human will is an amazing thing.  Time after time, it has triumphed against unbelievable odds.”[4]  I’m averse to quoting cliches like some motivation poster hanging in a classroom that seems to mock you as you struggle through a test.  Life isn’t solved by just being positive, but I do belief there is an element of truth in maintaining perseverance towards a goal.  Giving up because something is “too hard” is merely making excuses because of your internal fears of failure.  But how can you ever know if you don’t try?

Coming full circle back to color guard, I recall being terrified as the only freshman and feeling completely inadequate compared to the other girls skill sets.  But I had my family and friends who supported me and I just kept pushing to achieve the next level of excellence.  I never would have known my passion was capable of propelling me for so many years.  In that sense, I’ve developed as a person.  And when my organic chemistry seems unbearably hard, I just have to think of all the others obstacles I’ve pushed through because my passion urged me to be the top in that field.  I think it’ll be just what I need to thrive, because I have that drive of internal passion to keep me moving.

WORD COUNT:1,558

WITHOUT QUOTES: 1,467

ENTNOTES

[1] Daniel J. Levitin, This Is Your Brain on Music: The Science of a Human Obsession (New York: Penguin Group, 2007), 5.

[2] “NINDS Overview,” National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, February 3, 2009. http://www.ninds.nih.gov/about_ninds/ninds_overview.htm

[3] "NINDS Overview"

[4] Stephen R. Covey, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic (New York: Free Press, 2004), 148.

TABLE OF ILLUSTRATIONS

1. Photo of me holding a show flag

curtesy of Zach Norman

2. Mental Health (feeding the mind)

http://Blue-Fish.deviantart.com/art/Mental-Health-117861354

3. Blue Brain with Connecting Lines

http://www.topnews.in/brain-speaks-paralysis-2273164

4. Medical School

http://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/m/medical_school.asp

High School Marching Band- Caution: not for the weak

College has been a strange experience for me, not because of the amount of work or the new setting or even meeting new people.  It's primarily my withdrawal from high school band.  I know, I can already see you rolling your eyes.  High school marching band?  Isn't that what those weird kids do during half-time at the football game?  But 90% of the population has no idea what kind of work and dedication it takes to be a truly great marching band.  And no offense to all the LHB kids, but "y'all ain't got nothing on Dripping Springs" so to speak.

I'm serious.  I spent four years being completely dedicated to the band and specifically the color guard.  I started freshman year as the only newbie, this you guys already know.  But I didn't really get to express how big of a commitment it was.  Every monday night we had practice till 8.  Every school morning, I arrived at 7:00 to have an hour rehearsal before classes even started.  Every friday was a chance to preform but it required intense concentration in warm up.  Distraction in mid-toss could mean a bruised hand or even worse.  Oh, and that's not even half of it.  Our season started in late June and didn't end until early november.  And let's not forget the countless saturdays we spent at contests and in practice.  I literally probably had about 10 free saturdays in my entire high school career (I did winter guard too so that started december to april).

I will admit, it's not like being in basketball or football.  The same level of physical prowess isn't demanded.  You do have to be in general good health in order to have enough air to march and play the entire show.  But it's much more demanding in mental focus.  You have to think through the entire show, otherwise someone can get hurt or the show will simply fall apart.  Both of which are best to avoid.  In all honesty, I can't really describe what it was like to struggle together and then accomplish the amazing. It's best said by Covey, "our most difficult experiences become the crucibles that forge our character and develop the internal powers, the freedom to handle difficult circumstances in the future and to inspire others to do so."(pg. 73)  Yes, we hurt from running sets for three hours.  Yes, we lost innumerable hours of sleep in order to keep our grades.  But none of that mattered when you entered the field on competition day and you knew that you were about to demonstrate what all those hours of toil had gone into.

State Champion's UIL Final Performance-I'm the girl who steals the shako

Through most of the assigned Covey reading, I just couldn't help but think of how it seemed to describe my experience in band/guard to the letter.  How it had nothing to do with being individual competitive or  having only a few "star players."  We could only succeed if everyone put in their maximum effort.  The whole season focused on how "we [could] combine our talents and abilities and create something greater together."(pg. 49)  Even though I'm individually very competitive, marching band made me expand from my independent "I-can-do-it-myself" attitude into the interdependent "we-can-do-this" belief.  Honestly, my senior year, I said "we" more than "I" because the guard and band and I were so intertwined.  Before, I hadn't put much stock in the Gestalt theory but by the end of high school I knew, without doubt, that "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts."(pg. 263)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u07qmiTIkjQSo yes, I love college.  I love how much is offered by the university to help every student succeed.  And it's nice to break away from the hometown drama that develops after living in the same place for 18 years.  But I honestly still have dreams about preforming with the marching band.  I still have trouble looking at my younger band friend's facebook pictures of the current season.  Being a part of the marching band developed me as a person but now that I've learned and loved within it, it's time I let go.  I need to find my next passion.  And I think I'm off to a good start Taekwondo has only minimal similarities to band but I sense the same sort of atmosphere that captured me in high school.  I'm going to pursue it, and maybe I'll find my new niche.

The True Purpose of College

I have to admit, I've been cycling through crippling stress and motivational excitement for the past month.  I'm sure I'm not the only one going through such mood shifts.  And how can we not?  After spending nearly a year (or sometimes more) on selecting a university, we're finally here.  We finally have  all the possibilities and choices and freedom we're longed for.  But by the same token, we're beginning to understand what it means to have so many choices heaped upon us.

In particular, it comes down to the decision of life outside the university.  What should I do next?  That's what really gets to me.  I have a vague idea of my ideal profession but it's not one you can take lightly.  Where I really want to go with my life is into the world of medicine.  I want to learn and understand the science of how our bodies work.  More specifically, I want to work on the inner trappings of the mind.  I want to study neurology or neuropsychology or neurobiology.  And in all honesty, this isn't something I can take lightly.  Medical schools have so many requirements and stipulations that I worry I wont be good enough by the level of interest that I have now.  I love reading about medical exploits of the past and present and I relish in understanding how the bodies systems function as a whole; but is that really enough?

http://meds.queensu.ca/regionaled/links/ontario_schools_of_medicine

According to advice I've received from various sources, I should be constantly focusing on my grades.  I should keep the highest possible GPA, shadow a doctor, get an internship/job at a hospital, and still view that as not enough.  As said in the anthology, I'm "endangered of being absorbed and narrowed by [my] pursuit."(pg. 291)  What if I get three years down the line with my whole life focusing on the expectation of going to medical school?  And what if it turns out that I'm not good enough?  Or even worse, that it's not my passion and I've wasted my time and energy with undue stress.  That thought always manages to double my current concerns.

So then, in some effort to make sense of what I need/ought to do, I visit the counseling services of both plan II and the health professions office.  It helps me get a map on what I want to do.  Or, at least, I think it does.  This is all assuming I'm actually not wasting my time in thinking medical school is for me.  It's funny, one of the pieces of advice given in the Yale Freshman Address is "what I wish for you to avoid, as you continue your journey, is the desire to try and arrange all of the future now." (pg. 293)  So am I trying too hard to map out my entire life when I'm not even half way through my first semester?  I mean, I feel like if I don't have some general plan, than I could just be spinning my wheels with certain classes. I hate the idea of wasting my parents money if nothing comes of it.  But of course, I can argue the other side as well.  Am I not learning how to learn here in college?  Am I not finding out what it means to be a part of the world and how to manage myself within it?  I wish I could find the middle ground instead of swinging between the two extremes.

And then I can't help but think of my best friend, Max.  I remember in high school, I could never understand why he was so smart but never freaked out about grades or GPA.  He just took what he got and didn't worry excessively about where he was ranked or if taking a certain class would make his grades go down.  He just took what sounded interesting to him and didn't worry about the details.  I asked Max about it once and he simply told me "I take classes to just learn as much as I can.  That's really what school is about."  I never realized he was so wise until he shared that little gem with me.  "Knowledge is capable of being its own end." (pg. 288)  I still have trouble coming to terms with that.  Maybe I'm too goal oriented or maybe I try to do everything too perfectly and quickly.  I don't know what it is.  I'm aware that it's unhealthy to become fixated on a goal because it can consume you and become your life.  But I feel lost if I don't have something to strive for.  Is that so wrong?  Balance, balance, balance.  That's what it all comes down to.

http://browse.deviantart.com/?qh=&section=&q=stress#/djxrrx

But on a rather unrelated note, I got a bit of nostalgia reading the last article in the assigned reading.  On page 322, it mentioned that "UT is now planning on requiring electronic portfolios in all classes."  Interestingly, I've already been through that process twice.  In my school district, the biggest project we ever got was our portfolios.  We had one that synthesized the three years in middle school.  And more impressively, we made one for our career in high school.  It included major projects in all classes, awards, community service, leadership, and even hit on where we saw our futures leading towards.  We compiled a hard copy and made a presentation that we gave to a panel of a teacher, a community member, and a professional.  A lot of kids got overly worried about the whole ordeal but I found it soothing.  It was a way to combine everything I'd done up to that point into something tangible.  I'm hoping our portfolio is much the same.