Dark Side of College

There's something daunting about sitting down to type about suicide.  Even the word has become a sort of taboo.  No one wants to talk about it because it reminds us of how fragile a human life is.    We all just try to hide it in the corner of our minds but it can quickly become an elephant in the room.  I can't say that I've ever been involved in a situation where I worried about someone else would go to that extent.  In fact, I guess I've lived in a little bubble from my small town upbringing.  And some might see that as a blessing, but I worry that it might actually be detrimental in its own way.  I don't feel prepared to help a friend if they were facing such thoughts.  Heck I'd probably fall for the persuasive belief that's it's best not to discuss the problem at all.  I had no idea that "you will not increase the student's risk of suicide by asking him/her directly about it." (155) It's quite the revelation for me to know that it would be better to be straightforward.  I'm usually a rather blunt person but this is one topic I'm much more likely to dance around without ever hitting directly on it.  In fact, I feel like I'm doing that right now.

Let me try a more direct route- I've never actually planned suicide but I have given it a thought during a dark time in my life.  It was during sophomore year.  I was taking two Pre-AP math courses (Algebra II and Geometry) simultaneously, struggling in my main activity of color guard, had friendship troubles and insecurities galore.  I also was invited by an older girl friend of mine to the prom (sophomores could come ONLY if invited by an older student).  There was a bit of a mix-up with dinner plans before the dance and my mom made the decision that it would be better if I just didn't go at all.  I don't know why this was the tipping point but it was.  All of it seems trivial now but back then, all I felt was a mountain of stress and no way to relieve it.  I didn't really seriously considered it. I was just tired and frustrated and depressed.  My usual method of release is my writing, everything from journals to short stories and fan fiction.  So, I started to write.  I created a story where I committed suicide.  I wrote about a funeral where friends who had been neglecting or ignoring me suddenly realized the error of their ways.  I had people who I always admired share how they thought I was a good person.  It was all ridiculously morbid, almost lugubrious.

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I never finished the story because eventually I got things resolved.  I went to prom with a group of friends, pulled B's in my math classes, and worked out what had me so troubled about my friends.  I've never let anyone read what I wrote, I almost feel it is too silly and inane to mention now.  But I think it shows that what someone sees as an unbearably dark time isn't always because of a real tragedy they're facing.  I wouldn't have been ruined for life if I didn't go to prom.  The key is just the piling up of the struggles and the lack of a support net.  I try to never dismiss others troubles because of my own little experience back then.

On the other, less emotionally distressing side, I found another very personal message in the article on page 176.  Heck, I know I'm caught in the little conundrum all the time!  I am referring to the article about our generation's lack of ability to disconnect from the virtual world.  We think we're staying connected and keeping up lots of acquaintances and friends.  But we're not even managing to keep them up.  That texting or IM-ing or "facebooking" habit becomes all you're able to do and the outside world becomes less important.  We go from having healthy relationships to a "bubble of connectedness [that] stretches to ensnare us no matter where we are." (176) The ironic thing is, we think we're being more connected with our friends.  In truth, we're becoming more distant from each other.  I can't count how many times I've gone out to do something with a friend, only to have us both texting someone during our outing.  It's incredibly rude to each other yet unbelievably addicting.  You begin to believe that you have to text back the instant you receive a message, no matter what else is going on.  This cuts into others your physically with, focus that needs to be maintained on certain projects or jobs, and even possibly safety when it comes to driving.  So why can't we seem to peel ourselves away from the habit?  I honestly don't know the answer to that question, and I'm just as guilty as everyone else.  This summer I spent a weekend with a good friend at a convention but midway through the first day, I was constantly checking my phone and responding to people who I know as friends only in passing.  The girl I was with didn't say anything at first but she finally became frustrated enough to tell me how she felt.  I immediately felt guilty and tried to put the cell away.  But hearing it buzz, I had the almost-instinct to respond.  I never considered myself addicted to technology but..... I certainly consider that food for thought.

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